A spot of good news

Now I don’t like to show off, but I did win two NZ Comedy Guild Awards last night. Actually, I do like to show off, but I also like to try and appear modest at the same time.

What’s that? Yes, I was the only person to win multiple awards. What’s that? Yes, the rare double of Gag of the Year and the Andrew Kovacevich Memorial Cup for Most Offensive Gag. Yes, this will doubtless hereafter be known as the ‘Caruthers Double’.

[Winking Smiley face with a long nose and tongue sticking out.]

Dabbling in physics and disproving Einstein

Einstein postulated that nothing is as fast as the speed of light. This is disproved by the speed of dark. No matter how quick light gets anywhere, dark is quick enough to leave just as quickly as light arrives.

And on parallel lines eventually meeting - this is not true. Men who build fences treat fence posts as if they were parallel to each other. They fact that the fenceposts would touch if they were billions of kilometres tall is somewhat irrelevant. “Parallel lines” is an artificial concept that we use, not a reference to actual physical lines. The concept of parallel lines serves us well, and within this artificial concept the lines never touch.

The General Theory of Relativity states:

E=MC²

This is far too exact for a general theory. A genuinely general theory would be “E approximately equals MC²”, or “Something, possibly E but I’m not sure, equals MC²”

Tidings

In these days of rampant commericalisation, let’s not lose sight of the true meaning of Christmas, which is the Roman festival of Saturnalia (itself stolen from pagan midwinter feast rituals), renamed and repackaged as ‘Christmas’ by the early Byzantines.

HAPPY SATURNALIA EVERYONE!

Some things to ponder

* Would David Bain cheer up if he had some guilt-free Ice Cream?
* Don’t the whop-ass people ever thought of packaging their product in bottles?
* If smart bombs are so smart, why do they blow themselves up?
* Why don’t they just put a buffet on death row?
* Why are women who are so obsessed with looking younger so mad when you forget their birthday?
* Shouldn’t satellite reconnaissance be able to clear up the abominable snowman mystery once and for all?
* The whole idea of an anchor is that it doesn’t move in the water - why is the word used to refer to the fastest member of a swimming relay?
* How come the list of seven deadly sins doesn’t include murder?
* How come dogs go crazy when they smell raw meat, but don’t go crazy when you or me walk past?
* Why are Siamese twins ever voted “most likely couple”?

Election Day in NZ

Have fun voting everyone! Naturally I never vote because I prefer to keep my Saturdays free

My Policy Platform

Spitting on pavement punishable by summary execution

Strip Oklahoma of its statehood

Dedicated motorway lanes for people who are running late

Knighthood for Gavin Larsen in recognition of his services to economical bowling

Two Day Working Week

Abolition of prop comedy

Come up with proper names for Northland and Southland

Four more days in January

Replace Question Time in Parliament with Threat Time

New Episodes of Charles in Charge

Six-month-long bachelors degree programmes for people who are in a hurry

TV channels to reduce number of shit programmes by 10% each year

Screenplay writing process for superhero movies to be supervised by adults

Hold World Athletics Championships in countries that have heard of Athletics. (Fuck off Korea)

Test cricket status for the Parnell-Remuera club

Giant chess boards in public parks to be joined by giant sets of Monopoly and Guess Who.

Little-known Joe Frazier facts

Smokin’ Joe Frazier actually smoked during some of his early title fights.

The ‘Thrilla in Manila’ was originally billed as the ‘Exciting bout in the Philippines’ until someone hit on the catchier name. The ‘Bruisin’ on Luzon’ was briefly considered.

Frazier was paid $40 for his cameo in ‘Rocky’.

When Frazier taunted Ali by calling him ‘Cassius’, this had the double effect of ribbing Ali by using Ali’s rejected birth name and comparing him to one of Julius Caesar’s assassins.

Amazed by George Foreman’s successful career giving dietary tips, Frazier once considered a career giving elocution lessons. Similarly, Mike Tyson planned a financial management agency, and Evander Holyfield wrote a book ‘Knowing when to Quit’.

Some of the people who lined the streets seemingly cheering ‘Ali, Ali!’ were in fact fans of Kirstie Alley. The reason why Kirstie Alley was the only ‘Cheers’ regular never to guest star on ‘Frasier’ were the legal complications of this being billed as an ‘Alley-Fraiser rematch’.

The original Godzilla movie was loosely based on Frazier’s time in Japan during the 1964 Olympics.

The only things that really scared Frazier were George Foreman’s right hook and the film ‘The Black Cauldron’.

Although the scene in ‘Rocky’ of Stallone practising punching meat carcasses is rumoured to be based on Frazier’s training regime, Frazier on occassion would not bother waiting until the cows were dead.

Joe Frazier 1944-2011

Whither Heavyweight Boxing?

The viewing statistics for the two Ali-Frazier title fights were ridiculous, dwarfing overhyped modern events such as – let me pick something at random – the Rugby World Cup.  Everyone knew who Ali and Frazier were. Everyone. Not just sports fans, let alone boxing fans.

The wheel has come full circle, and now no-one knows who the world heavyweight champ is. Sorry - who the world heavyweight champs are. (This correction tells you everything.) I couldn’t even Google it, I don’t what to Google. WB – something?

Frazier came out to New Zealand a few years back, ostensibly to be the comments guy for the Fight for Life. It was like getting the Kings of Leon to come and grade eight-year-olds on their recorders. Anyway, Frazier’s role as a commentator was somewhat hindered by the fact that he never spoke decipherable English (think Mr T drugged up at the dentist’s). But it didn’t matter, that wasn’t really why he came. Boxing promoters would always give retired legends a little job to do, or they’d come as an ambassador for this or that. What they were actually being paid to do was stand up before the fight, wave get cheered, then sit back down. And fans would drive all day and pay good money just to see their ageing heroes wave.

And this was thirty years after he was a contender, and in New Zealand of all places.

Era lost. All poorer for it.

A good World Cup ruined

The All Blacks started the final with possession of the ball. After an up-an-under,* the commentator, whom I shall refrain by humiliating by name, says “The French regather the ball”. REGATHER? They hadn’t had the ball yet! This sort of thing irritates me no end. If commentators avoided hack expressions and thought about communicating accurately with the audience, this wouldn’t happen.

Tackling the big issues since 2005.

(*The correct term. ‘Bomb’ is a league-ism.)

Daylight Saving

This is 100% true.

I once read a letter to the editor in the NZ Herald by a chap complaining about how 2am is such a ridiculous time to set the clocks back. He said he was sick and tired of getting up in the middle of the night just to adjust the time.

Go figure.