Festival picks

The Comedy Festival starts in eight hours! I want it to start now!

Here are my picks of some good shows to see:

* Milton Jones - the closest thing to a comedy deity to visit our shores this year

* Raybon Kan - performing at the Comedy Chamber in the Town Hall. Ooooo

* Me. In my show. and heaps of other stuff.

* Gordon Southern - I gigged with him in the UK. So quick its scary

* Late Laughs in the Basement Theatre - comedy without rules!!

Footage

Here is a promo clip for my 2012 NZ festival show. Watch it!

Here is an interview with David Farrier of Nightline ‘fame’. If it looks fake, it is because it is. Watch it!

Random thought #67832

Why do the leading English football teams have names that sound like gay nightclubs?

* Spurs

* Man United

* Man City

* Arsenal

Hmmmmmm

TV show ideas

1. [As yet unnamed] - A group of ancient Egyptian mummies are brought to life through a process described only as “science”. Struggling to pay the bills after having no income for the last 3500 years, they apply for jobs at an amusement park House of Horrors. Owing to the absurd strictness of today’s antidiscrimination laws, the cantankerous amusement park manager is forced to employ them against his will as they are technically the most skilled applicants at scaring people. Plotlines centre along tensions between the former mummies and the existing employees - who have not previously been dead. The latter are, of course, all failed acting graduates (Potential for easy casting opportunities here!).

2. “Rotor Girls” - Sex and the City meets Airwolf as a group of four attractive women say goodbye to their houses, careers, partners, and babies to pursue their dream lives as trainee cruiser-based helicopter pilots and navigators.

3. “Between the Rhodedendrons” - Imagine “24″ but with garden parties taking the role of terrorist intrigue, and not in real time. Scott Baio pencilled in.

4. “New Zealand’s Next Top Air Hostess” - a group of eager young women, not quite attractive enough to make it on the catwalk, compete for the right to take over a vacant spot on the Qantas Auckland to Wellington run. Tantrums ensue as the girls bicker over how much makeup they are allowed to wear before the extra weight affects the plane’s ability to take off.

5. “Reichsmarshal Kaltenbrunner’s Smile Time Variety Hour” - self-explanatory.

6. “Ed Caruthers’ Make You a Whore in 15 minutes Challenge” - Diminutive comedian tries to get 50 erstwhile non-prostitutes to sleep with him by promising them money, and fails every time.

7. “Celebrity Know My Name” - You know their faces, you just don’t know their names! The Briscoes lady, the guy from the B52s, and the guy in the blue coat from Target are all locked in a house. Each is forbidden from revealing their own name, but thinks they are the only one to whom his rule applies. Watch as they all call each other “you”  and “bro” and “mate” all the time

And some ones where I’ve only come up with the titles:

Search for a Supermarket

Rick Moranis - After they were famous

Help! Everyone thinks I’m creepy because I look like Daniel Day-Lewis!

Real Housewives of Al Qaeda

The Cheerleader and the Cosmonaut

Little known facts about your correspondent

So I’m told I can create buzz and interest in myself and my show in the NZ Comedy festival by circulating little-known facts about myself. So here we go:

I have been to the Fritzl house in Austria

I won the Classics prize in seventh form

Over a twelve month-period in 2007-2008 I played over 700 games of Monopoly

I once went to a fancy-dress party dressed as Pythagoras’ Theorem

I did not see a gun until I was 26

The most number of ‘pie’ pieces I have ever won on the FIRST go in Trivial
Pursuit is four

I once showed the rather graphic film ‘Hannibal Rising’ to a six year old

I have never been to Australia, Dunedin, prison, Burger Wisconsin,
Wisconsin, IMAX, South America, Bunnings Warehouse, or a physiotherapist.

In the days of the old Sixth Form Certificate I got five ‘ones’

I have a law degree

My losing streak at Risk against Mike Loder currently stands at 14 games

(A depressing number of these involve board games)

Ollie Olsen is a distant relative

I have twice been in four countries in one day

I hate the movie ‘Big’ so much I will leave the house if someone is watching it and not talk to them for days afterwards

I once made a scene after being asked to leave a church in Rome for wearing footwear that was too casual. My argument was that they were Roman sandals.

I can name all 43 American Presidents in order, and am also pretty good on English Kings and Queens

David Bain - Shooting Straight

David Bain has given us years of entertainment that has been informative and guilt-free (excuse the poor choice of words). Whether you think he is innocent, or if, on the other hand, you have been living on planet Earth and paying attention to reason and evidence, you have to admit that he gives us a lot to ponder. Here follows some of his thoughts, with commentary from your faithful correspondent:

“My father taught me to be calm and stoic” - You want us to believe your version of events - but this guy is still a role model for you????

“Most families are disfunctional” - Most other families ARE dysfunctional. Yours WAS. Note the change in tense, it highlights the key difference between your family and other familes.

“We were disfunctional, just like any family”  - Yes, but most don’t involve one gunning down all the others.

“I’m determined to live a good life” - As a welder in West Auckland??? REALLY?

“The upbringing my parents gave me kept me strong in jail” - Why talk fondly of your father? No matter which version is true, your Dad must have really pissed you off.

“People should either be pleased for me, or, if they think I did it, recognise that I’ve served my time.” - Its not just about you. Its about establishing the truth about what happened to five people who were gunned down.

“I thought the system was there to protect me” - Again, a little self-centred, don’t you think, David?

“Dad didn’t teach me how to cope with emotions” - When will you stop blaming him for everything!!!!

“Everyone I work with just treats me as one of the guys” - Yes. Most people don’t go out of their way to fuck off someone who might be a mass murderer.

“Everyone should just put this behind us and move on” - Then don’t do a highly publicised interview on 60 Minutes.

“The family possessions should be returned to me (including the rifle used for the murders)” - This is what’s known as PUSHING YOUR LUCK

That’s all for now.

PS Did you know that ‘Bain’ is the French word for bath? (I’m amazed they’ve got a word for it…)

PPS Guilty Guilty Guilty Guilty Guilty Guilty Guilty

Festival Show Announcement

My 2012 NZ International Comedy Festival Show is entitled:

UNSOCIABLE

It runs Wednesday May 9 to Saturday May 12 at the Basement Studio, Greys Ave, Auckland.

That is all.

Facebook Improvements

The ‘Like’ button on Facebook is frustratingly limited. We need other options:

* Dislike

* Heard it already

* Might have been funny two day ago but we’ve all moved on from that meme

* Boring

* Pretentious

* Boring and pretentious

* Start using vowels in your words

* STOP TELLING EVERYONE YOUR PROBLEMS

* No-one gives a fuck about photos of your pets

* This isn’t actually clever or funny but I feel I should say something in the vague hope it might increase the chances of you having sex with me

* You’re only allowed to mention Jesus 600 times a month and you’re approaching your quota

It’s interesting to imagine two sales reps trying to pitch social networking sites to the world, as if no social media site was already in place. One represents Google Plus, the other represents Facebook. The Google Plus rep would say: “We offer an unrivalled range of features: a sophisticated chat system; multi-person video conferencing; instant uploading from mobile devices; integration with email and Google Docs; data extraction; links to publications; and generally a more sophisticated range of features than any social media site ever developed.”

The Facebook Rep would say: “Um. We have a ‘Like’ button.”

“O really. And do you have a ‘dislike’ button?”

“No. But we do have a ‘poke’ button. You can poke people.”

“I see. And what does it actually mean when you poke someone?”

“Er, we’re not sure. No-one’s ever clarified what that means exactly.”

And yet Facebook is destroying Google Plus in terms of numbers of users.

Sometimes it ain’t about being great, its about being first.

More new policies - summer edition

One beach for all the loudmouths, instead of having one loudmouth at every beach.

Make it an imprisonable offence to erect “Road Works’ signs more than sixty kilometres from the nearest roadworker.

Bulldoze Huntly.

Limits on beach texting to 3 hours.

Launch an X Factor sunscreen, to appeal to lovers of Roman numerals.

Divert all money collected by the Inland Revenue to causes that benefit the public.

All shit cricket deliveries automatically counted as no-balls.

As well as Auckland Anniversary, have Balmoral, Point Chev etc anniversaries too.

Shortland Street’s annual hiatus to be extended by 10 months.

Thought (random)

Is it just me, or when you overhear other peoples’ telephone conversations, and they laugh, do you always think that they’re just an idiot and whatever they’re laughing at can’t be funny?

There is no point to this post.