Quotations

Jokes are my business and I freely admit if I wasn’t able to cobble together short funny sentences I’d have nothing. I have nothing anyway, but that’s not the point.

I’ve included a selection below, it is not comprehensive and it does not include all the funniest lines, but it is the random list I have included on www.edcaruthers.co.nz  My life is dependent on the non-joke-stealing code of honour, so a warning to plagiarists: If you steal my jokes I will publicly shame you, accusations of bedwetting and being a big fat stupid jerk being just the beginning.

Of course it was pretty embarrassing for me at last year’s Cleo’s Bachelor of the year function, when they read my name out, but to hell with them I’ll park wherever I feel like it.

Well I had a rough weekend. I got pissed and collapsed in a drunken heap beside the bar…thus causing a major delay in the gymnastics competition.

I always have to tell my girlfriend “Calm down babe. Stop worrying babe”. I call her babe because she looks like that pig from the movies.

I’m a bit terrified of marriage. A guy I know says marriage is like whacking off to the same porno magazine every day for the rest of your life. That sounds bad, and spookily similar to single life.

One girl I was seeing once walked in on me having sex with an Autobot. I said “Look, its not what it looks like.”

Well the lawyers probably don’t want me to say this to you tonight, but all lawyers are assholes.

Ah, family holidays… I was always so delirious when finally I got to the beach. But so mad at my parents for throwing me out of the boat.

My sister’s weird…a lot of people call her a bitch…because she’s only ever pregnant for two months.

I had a bad holiday experience with my nephews, who shall remain nameless. Until my sister finally works out who his father is and gives the boy a surname.

Someone downtrailed me once and there’s nothing more embarrassing than the whole school seeing your undies. Those semen stains were really embarrassing. Especially because I don’t think it was me who made them.

My first job was in an office, but I soon got in trouble because the receptionist kissed me every morning. My boss bollocked me about it, and told me it was most unprofessional. I replied, how can it be unprofessional if I’m paying her to do it.

When I was 20 I moved hear from Wellington. It was really scary because I didn’t have any friends or contacts or social networking at all. That was why I left.

I once went up to a woman and asked her if she was interested in sexual intercourse with me. She said “I’d sooner go home and wank!” I said “Fine, let’s do that.”

Me and one girl went to the beach, very romantic you know, I thought I’d surprise here by recreating that scene in From Here to Eternity…but she wasn’t really into knifefighting.

I distinctly remember one time my parents talking to me down the phone and saying, “if we throw money away at you now, you’ll never know the value of a dollar”. But I still think it would’ve been nice for them to pay that ransom.

When I was eleven, my parents split. But I soon caught on to their trail and tracked them down.

I’ve got a feeling there’s something mysterious and secret about a woman’s g-spot….but I can’t quite put my finger on it.

I used to love the White Stripes, but my Mum would say “Eat all the zebra you’re given”

Well my girlfriend’s finally beginning to enjoy sex, or so she tells me in her letters.

Me and one girl went to the beach, very romantic you know, I thought I’d surprise here by recreating that scene in From Here to Eternity…but she wasn’t really into knifefighting.

I’d forget my own mother’s name if it wasn’t written on my underwear.