Bio

Many people have asked me how Ed Caruthers came to be. Until my parents overcome their aversion towards graphic reconstructions, the following will have to suffice

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The Earth formed 4600 million years ago, slowly cooled, and Ed Caruthers was the anticlimactic and rather up-himself result

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Here’s a bio on comedycv.co.uk

It contains very few lies and was even relevant for a few weeks in early 2009.

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Auckland comedian and pseudonym Ed Caruthers is a peculiar person. He was drawn into comedy after acquaintances told him he would look really good on stage, and because he didn’t understand sarcasm he gave it a shot. A one-liner specialist in both comedy and acting circles, he draws inspiration from road signs, eviction notices, public toilets, one or two minor childhood problems, track and field, and his ongoing trouble with girls. A smattering of his insights:

“I sure got a raptorous welcome at that Jurassic Park Party….I’ll never forget losing my virginity. Cause I’m planning on keeping a detailed record….I wrote letters to the cast of Desperate Housewives. Judging by their replies, they’re not really all that desperate….People call my sister a bitch, because she’s only ever pregnant for two months….I was in a nightclub the other week, and I was just starting to get into the groove, when the guys says “No mate, I don’t do anal”….Until I was eighteen, me and my mum were quite close. Damn manacles….My girlfriend’s finally starting to enjoy sex, or so she tells me in her letters….”

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Ed Caruthers is known for his stacaatto delivery and a stratospheric gags-per-minute ratio. His one-liners usually bear no relation towards each other and bounce around a myriad of topics, from religion to filth to Z-grade celebrities to his slightly troubled childhood. All is delivered with a concise and delicate choice of words betraying little trace of emotion other than a subtle hint of pure evil.

He sets himself the goal of bettering his peer/rival/enemy comedians by outdoing them in terms of frequency and quality of gags, as measured in terms of audience eruptions.

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Ed Caruthers
Born Auckland 29-2-1981
Died Pamplona 12-7-2012 (probably)

After years of living on the Streets (Paddle Pops and Almond Magnums), Ed Caruthers materialised on the New Zealand Comedy scene in 2005 and skyrocketed up the ranks thanks to the swinish device of writing far funnier jokes than his rivals, whom he vanquished mercilessly. Now a regular on the comedy circuit (he was previously a small), his one-liners cover everything from childhood nostalgia to ghastly puns to relationship difficulties. He moves effortlessly from topic to topic thanks to sheer élan and a disinclination towards writing linking material.

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Ed Caruthers was born in a hospital in the twentieth century. After some schooling he worked. His influences include people he has met and performers he has observed. He lives.

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Ed Caruthers’ father was in the Auckland rugby team in the early eighties (although that’s as far as he’s narrowed it down), and his mother worked a variety of roles in automotive repairs, the aubergine industry, and the Viet Cong. He achieved all his ambitions at the age of 22 so now he pretty much just wastes everybody else’s time. He lives in Auckland with two children that CYFs fortunately don’t know about.

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Ed Caruthers writes
Haikus insteaf of bios
Sad pretentious cunt

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Gets on well with crowds? Not really. Improvisation skills? Fuck off. But if you want the best gags in the business delivered with flawless precision every twelve seconds, Ed Caruthers is the homonoid for you.

During the day he wanders the streets aimlessly, occasionally taking off his trousers and sitting outside suburban dairies doing his impersonation of a spacies machine.

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Ed Caruthers, real name ***** ******* ******, was born on 28 November 19**. Growing up under this real name and in real time, he eventually graduated from the most respectable University in New Zealand (yeah I know, that’s like saying the best philharmonic in Arkansas) with degrees in law and political studies. He began performing comedy in 2005, choosing the name Ed Caruthers from a famous **** jumper. He soon became established on the New Zealand circuit. He spent two years on the UK comedy circuit from 2008 to 2010, and even had the rare distinction of appearing at the Edinburgh Comedy Festival along with 24 000 other comedians. He shamefully spends his spare time playing Star Wars Monopoly and shouting obscenities at his television.

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Almost a real one:

Ed Caruthers is a leading exponent of one-liner comedy, known for his stratospheric gags-per-minute ratio and his skills as a joke-writer. Caruthers is one of the few New Zealand comedians with extensive experience on the UK pro circuit, and boasts an array of uncomsummated NZ Comedy Guild Awards, including Most Offensive Gag, Most Improved, and Best Newcomer. He has written for television and appeared at the Edinburgh Fringe and New Zealand International Comedy Festivals. This peculiar man appears regularly at the Classic in Auckland and other gigs throughout the realm.